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March 21st, 2007 at 6:48 am
Hi,
I am a college student and i am suffering from social anxiety. I have been since as long as i can remmeber. However, i didn’t do anything about it. Now, i know i must do something becuase it is adversely affecting my life, from my grades(i cannot participate in discussion classes) to athletics ( i cannot talk to my coach and as a result he thinks i am super weird) to my social life ( i have no friends). I have no idea what to do?
March 21st, 2007 at 8:46 am
Acceptance is great if you can achieve it and still be functional. But that is a false hope for many. It is really not an answer unless you are talkinig about some one with enormous goal focus or motivation.
March 21st, 2007 at 8:48 am
Thank you for this insight. It makes sense. I use this technique when participating in sports, however, I never thought of using it for social reasons. Thank you, and have a great day!
March 21st, 2007 at 1:23 pm
THis is very true, I just did a presentation today!!
In the beginning, I felt the anxiousness, my heart started pounding, my face was flushing, it was really overwhelming.
Then, I thought “Let’s see if I can feel even more anxious.” I tried to feel more anxiety than I was already feeling. The anxiousness went away.
I was able to focus on what I was saying, and the audience’s reation to it.
Thanks again!
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I have a nine year old daughter who still won’t speak to adults not even her oncles or aunts that she sees on a regular basis. What do I do?
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 am
I can accept the adrenaline with respect to public speaking. I get nervous before a presentation and do well anyway. I’m unable to do this in social situations.
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:04 pm
To Nicole: Your daughter has selective mutism, a form of social phobia. It can be considered an “addiction to the avoidance of speaking”. The first step in reversing the condition is to understand the concept of “enabling” which is defined as any behavior on the part of caregivers which inhibits the growth of the child-dependent…any behavior; in addition to where, and to whom, caregivers talk for the child as well as accommodate the illness.Your daughter is currently learning that the world will adjust to her needs.
Jonathan
March 27th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Hello Jonathan,
I completed your audio program last year and overall it has helped me out a lot. I suffer from “fear of blushing.” My face lights up like a Christmas tree when I am the center of attention in many situations. Blushing is particularly painful because it is so obvious and society isn’t overly kind to blushers. My request to you is this: can you give some advice/insight/wisdom specifically for us blushers? THANKS.
PS CHANEL is currently working on a powder that will create an “optical illusion” for blushing/flushing using thermo-pigments. Of course, the blushing online community is waiting anxiously for the announcement — I FULLY realize that the underlying problems of social anxiety can not be magically covered with this new product. I am just curious if you would support us blushers using such a product or does this just drive the problem deeoer in your opinion? Very curious how you would see such a product. THANKS for your help, for the audio program and for this new blog.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I have never tried that but will give it a try. My problem is that on the phone or just in regular social situations, sometimes my throat tightens and my voice comes out sounding shakey like an old lady. Has anyone had this problem and found a solution? I take deep breaths if I remember fast enough, which does help some but I still have a problem many times.
March 29th, 2007 at 8:41 am
This is in response to Patricia regarding “blushing”. One of my patients was giving a presentation in his college class last week. This person is a “blusher”. At the beginning of his speech he said to his audience, “in a minute you are going to see a magic trick. My face is going to change color”. Guess what? He did not blush. You can hear similar strategies with “blushers” who have resolved their problems by listening to their interviews at www.socialanxiety.com. The way to resolve the problem is to learn self acceptance by first understanding the internal critical script that gives such a negative interpretation (shame, embarrassment, humiliation) to the symptom. It is then neccessary to develop a proactive behavioral strategy. I often use a football analogy with my patients; meaning that they are taught to play quarterback (offense) rather than defense. Autonomic hypersensitiviy and blushing will be activated by defensive positioning. While I understand the intense difficulty around blushing the chanel product is defensive position. It obviously will not resolve the real problem. It depends what your objectives are. In addition I believe that the surgery option is an extremely desperate and dangerous option!
April 3rd, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Hi ,im also one of the un happy person in this world just because i felt unaccepted from teh people whom ive met.I mean a lot of them ignoring me and dont want to talk with me.i felt that i had a very contagious dissease that they dont like me at all.Now im 34 years old but still lonely .I dont understand why people treated me like this.
April 4th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
To Jim:
I too do fairly well on the outside speaking to groups. It’s different with co-workers or less formal situations. I sometimes have to work through what’s going on inside me hours afterward. Then I’m exhausted when I get home or can find a quiet place alone and can “come down” from the nerves! Interesting that at the job where I am now (been here about 16 months) my co-workers are surprised when I tell them I’ve been painfully shy as long as I can remember.
April 6th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Great teaching technique, but who pays my bills while I still continue to avoid all social situations, work outside the home, social school functions for my children, I am lonely and have not 1 person who can truely help me with this. I have actually been to a licensed social worker, who knew nothing about social anxiety and confessed this to me. But she did teach me breathing exercises. At that point I quit the therapy as I didn’t enjoy her watching me do the breathing exercises. Ive tried every antidepressant and unless you want to be put into early alzeheimers, don’t take them. Ativan works well, esp when going to any social event or dentist. OK any help would be appreciated. By the way I have had this since I can remember and Im over the hill now. I sometimes feel my life is wasted on avoiding everything, except gardening, my flowers are unbelievable and I put myself into my yard. Fortunately for me, I am a stay at home mom and RN who has a job at the house taking care of a disabled pt.
thanks and good luck
April 6th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
To Jonathan:
At the end of a social situation I am often left feeling extremely frustrated as I know I have so much I want to say and do but lack the confidence to do/ say it. I think I have a likeable personality but can’t share it with anyone as fear gets in the way and stops me from being natural and real. Is this social anxiety? It’s the ‘feeling’ I have in these situations that cripples me and stops me talking, but how do I change that feeling and replace it with confidence? It seems so simple, but it’s actually so hard.
April 9th, 2007 at 9:25 am
In response to Beth(shaky voice).
Yes, I have the same problem. At one point it had gotten so bad that it was happening all the time even alone at home with my small child. I went to several specialists including (NIH in Bethesda) and was diagnosed with Spasmodiic Dysphonia - a disease which affects the vocal chords with spasms. The type I was diag.with is where the vocal chords float versus coming together as they should. However, as things got better in my family, my voice has gotten much better. HOwever, I notice at times that it comes back- happened yesterday when I went to make a few comments after entering the room on Easter Sunday (all family and a few life time friends). I too have no problem public speaking. I think it has somethign to do with being prepared with what to say vs. having to respond spontaneously with people watching. I honestly feel I was misdiagnosed and have som form of this disorder. Perhaps if there is enough stressors in life, it creates so much anxiety in the vocal chords that they spasm out and don’t react as they should. (?) My son has social phobia so I have read up on it a lot and recently realized that I suffered with it all my life - just compensated and dealt with it thinking I was shy, nervoius.
April 11th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I have been suffering from anxiety disorder for quite awhile. My job is stressful. I had to go on anti-anxiety meds because I shake and my voice wavers, making me sound not confident. I am wondering if this is the field for me. I can make pretty good money at it, but maybe a lower paying, lower stress job might be worth it. I don’t have any other skills other than what I do right now though…I feel trapped without options. Do others feel this or is it just me?
April 18th, 2007 at 9:49 am
I am beside myself. I feel like I will never find peace. I suffer from SA butt mostly FB. I can’t even type the word because it makes me sick. I was abused as a child by my father and had a mother who looked the other way. I was practically mute as a child but went on Paxil after college which helped. I managed to date and I even modeled for a while even doing some runway shows which of course now I can’t even believe I could do that. I then met an amazing man who I married. When I became pregnant I went off my meds. During my pregnancy my father (who I stopped all contact with 10 years ago) shot 3 people and killed himself. My anxiety went through the roof so much so that I had my pregnancy induced 2 weeks early because I couldn’t even function. After delivering my daughter I went back on medication. My daughter is almost a year old and I have changed meds 5 times since her birth. Even though they have helped with the SA/FB I am nowhere near the person I was before the pregnancy. I worry ALL the time about everything. About the next social situation I’ll be in, work, FB, and of course I worry that my daughter will somehow inherit this awful condition. I would sleep all day if I could simply so I didn’t have to face the world. My daughter is the only reason I feel I have to go on. I love her more than anything and don’t ever want to do anything that would hurt her as my parents did. However I often feel she would be so much better off with a “healthier” mom. I adore my husband but know that he also suffers due to my misery. I also don’t know if I can have more children since my last pregnancy was so awful and I would love to have more kids. I have been in therapy for years and no one seems able to help me. I feel so broken inside and pretend daily that I am ok. It is very exhausting. I don’t want fame or riches…I just want to feel confidence and happiness. I want this horrible SA/FB to leave my life forever. I really don’t understand why some people have to suffer so deeply…what is the purpose??
April 21st, 2007 at 9:41 pm
This is for Cathy74. This is an unscientific method but you sound desperate as I have felt even though I have never experienced anything like you. I don’t know if you believe in a Higher Power (God) but when I get extremely depressed with the sa, I pray and just tell everything to Him and it helps me so greatly. “Casting all your cares on Him for He cares for you.” I am praying for you.
April 26th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
twixcookie - I know how you feel regarding wondering if a lower stress, lower-paying job would be better in order to feel less plagued by social/performance anxiety. My job also evokes a tremendous amount of anxiety - it’s very competitive and people-focused. But if then I wonder if I’m giving in and practicing avoidance by thinking of changing careers and restructuring my life because of this condition. I don’t know the answer but I’m at this website trying to figure things out.
May 14th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
twixcookie,
I just recently took on a job that is very stressfull. Proir to this I did suffer from depression and anxiety, but I was prescribed effexor and I felt great. Since i have been working in this high stress job I find that the medication does not even seem to work. it feels that if i’m always nervous and tense. The job pays great , but is it worth the way I feel. This is something that i have been contiplating for a long time. i have let this affect many other careers and quit my job. I will not let this take over any longer and i feel the same for you. We just can’t keep running away everytime we feel stressed or anxious. I have also put many of these problems in the lords hands and i feel that you should do the same. We have to keep on moving and not let this win again!!!!
July 17th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
I feel very nervous when I’m in meetings and I think that I will be asked to speak up about something.
July 17th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Also, lately I’ve noticed that I get nervous when I have to tell a story to a group of people so I don’t end up saying anything which makes me seem very anti social at work. The other day my boss asked me to open a conference call because she was not able to get on and I did not even open the call, I was too embaressed, so the speaker ended up opening the call and it all turned out fine. My boss asked me how it went and I said the call went well. I felt HORRIBLE for lying. I don’t know why this is happening but I’ve noticed it getting worse. I feel like I’m getting more and more self conscious and aware of what people might think. That is really bothering me because I like to be around people and think to be a social person but I’m not coming across as such. I have been pushing myself to make more conversations at work to see if this helps. I think the more I chat with people the better I will feel around them and that should relieve some anxiety. Any suggestions????
July 24th, 2007 at 7:07 am
I had anxiety. I think a lot of it came from my belief that I had to be perfect all the time. You know how I stopped being so anxious? I stopped trying to be perfect. I allowed myself to be imperfectly human…but I had to reach rock bottom before I came to this conclusion. I reached a point so low that I actually had a guy I met online meet me at a hotel room and whip me with his belt. S&M behavior, and so extreme, yes, but it worked for me. I actually believe it saved me. Afterwards, I felt such a release from my anxiety and it actually centered me. Maybe just surviving this experience intact made me so happy to be alive, but it changed my life. I also went to Jonathan for months and months and talked and expressed my feelings, probably for the first time aloud, and I was never a big talker either. My life has changed a lot…I’m getting divorced and I’m living on my own for the first time, but I feel good and I’m confident I am going to have a happy life. Confidence is key. My teenage son also has anxiety and he’s been in boarding school all last year because he had school phobia and couldn’t go to our local high school. Being made to live on his own with people he didn’t really know was another extreme solution, but he told me recently that he feels much more confident in himself and his ability to speak to others. He was always anxious as a child and I think my anxiety made his worse. When I released my anxiety I think I became a much better parent for him. I was much more confident in myself, and I was able to help him. He’s going to go back to his high school in September because he wants to try it again with his new found confidence. I guess what I’m telling you is that there is no one solution for everyone, but it seems that sometimes extremes are necesary for a cure, so don’t be afraid to try something extreme if you have to. Trust yourself…deep down I think we all know what we really need to cure us.
July 27th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
This is for Cathy74,
I have had SA and FB as long as I can remember. All thru school it was a nightmare expecially in High School when a teacher would call on me. My mind literally went blank. Somehow I made it thru High School and got married and had 2 children. I always worried about my kids having the FB too, neither one inherited it! Yeah. I just started working in a Psychiatry department at a University! Yikes, talk about being under a microscope. One thing for sure is you can’t fake it in this department. So, I am working on just going with it and accepting it. I have spent a lot of money and time on therapy too just trying to get rid of it. One thing I found out for sure is that everyone has some kind of problem. I also worked at the University in a department that brought in Doctors that were going to become Psychiatrists, they had to go to Psychiatrists as part of their training, so no one ever has it all together. I am sending you Love, support Blessings and I have worked with many people who also have FB and do just fine- they just accept it and go. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Hang in there, one nice thing is that you can really talk about it here and people understand what you are going thru.
I know that with support anything is possible.
I knew one brilliant computer programer that used to say when people would say “why are you so red”, he would respond “Mega Reys from Computers”. People would laugh and just go about their business. I always envied him that attitude, Instead of “I need to hide”.
Can you believe it my name means “flaming”.
Take Care…
August 12th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
To Beth (shaky voice) - I too have this shaky voice and remember it starting in high school, it has carried on my whole life (through college, grad school and now in my job) It is quite embarrassing and have never met anyone who has the same issue. One thing that helps me is reading out loud when I am at home, this lets me hear my voice as well as practice breathing correctly when I talk..it helps a bit!
August 17th, 2007 at 9:00 am
I just wanted to encourage everyone who is stuggling with SA. I too, have struggled for about 6 years now—BUT I AM DETERMINED TO OVERCOME!—I believe that my lord and savior Jesus christ has completly healed and delivered me—he has given me techniques to overcome including fasting, praying, mediating on his word, adding supplements to my diet (fish oil, calcium magnesim, multi-vitamin and Ginko Biloboga (spelling..lol) and I recently started EMRD therapy, joining toastmasters and participating in dance classes–and I can see and FEEL the results! If God can do it for ME he can do it for you too!–don’t lose hope–just pray and ask God what divine strategy for deliverance does he have for you!
August 31st, 2007 at 3:46 am
This is for BrendaBBB,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It makes me feel really good to hear that your children didn’t get your FB. I worry so much about my little girl. On top of my SA/FB, I think that I know am suffering from some type of fatigue problem. Perhaps, chronic or adrenal…or even some type of hormone issue. I am SO tired all the time and cannot lose weight, (especially in my stomach), I am dizzy, weak, hot, and very jumpy. I basically feel like death most of the time. I am still looking for the answer since most Dr.’s tell me my blood results are fine even though any book will tell you that many of these “tests” don’t accurately diagnos these types of problems. I just want to be well for my little girl and husband…I will keep trying to find an answer.